Why Hello! Fancy meeting you here!
I can’t believe it has been almost four months since my last post. I wish I had an excuse. But really, it has been a hard couple of months to get in the mindset to write. It isn’t necessarily writer’s block that’s been the issue. It’s been a lack of desire to do much of anything. It’s been a struggle the past couple of months to do anything other than the basic necessities of life.
Perhaps this is why I have been trying to pile on the extra curricular activities in my life. I’m still a part of the pool league twice a week along with my monthly women’s league. I’ll be assistant stage managing another show in the coming weeks.
It’s also February, which means The Vagina Monologues are in our midst this year. Last year I co-stage managed the production. This year… well… I auditioned and actually got a part!! An actual monologue! I am actually super excited. I’ve even roped S.O. into coming! I made a promise to myself last year that I would audition and I couldn’t let myself go back on that.
This is also the first time my family has tried to make it out to any of the shows I have worked on. My sister will also be in attendance. I’m thinking it’s mainly to see me trip or something, but she’s coming.
So outwardly, I am trying to keep myself as super busy as possible. I try to be involved with a variety of things. This way I won’t allow myself to be left to my own devices.
However, when I am left by myself it is easy to slip into nothing. My laptop is hardly used anymore other than to play a couple of games of Candy Crush before bed, to do online banking that I don’t want to use my smartphone for, or for Netflix. I turn on shows and films I have seen before because I don’t want to commit to staying awake to watch them through. When I do watch something new I try to make it something light and short so I don’t have to pay attention to the plot line.
My procrastination is as bad as it ever was, perhaps worse. I can plan to do things for the whole day with every intention to do them. However, when the time comes to do these things, it’s almost as though my body becomes limp, heavy, as though it’s a chore just to get up out of bed or off of the couch, that alone actually do the chores I have set up for myself to complete.
These are the times that my mind grows blank. I don’t think dark thoughts or good thoughts. I don’t really think at all during these times. It’s almost as though my mind has become foggy and it has no desire to clear up. During these moments I feel so tired and sleep becomes the only thing I truly want.
So these almost four months without writing? It wasn’t intentional. It sure wasn’t wanted. There were countless times over the past couple of months that I wanted to pick up my laptop and write. Write about the fact that I have officially moved from the DT shack onto a nice, quiet street on the East End of the city. I have switched departments again a work which has been an interesting change. The process of actually getting off of my ass that day and going to that audition for The Vagina Monologues despite every fiber of my body wanting to stay home. Signing up to ASM another play. My parents visiting for Christmas. Other countless things that I felt warranted some sort of post but my mind was too foggy to find clarity to write anything.
It’s still quite foggy. But I wanted to write tonight. The fog is making it difficult to focus. The fog makes it difficult to do much of anything. Even as I type this my eyes are becoming heavy. I can’t even focus enough to do the things I love to do; that alone anything that I need to generally talk myself into completing. Even the simplest things such as doing household chores or shopping at the grocery store have become rather daunting tasks.
I just felt I owe an explanation for the way I have been over these past couple of months. I know it doesn’t make sense. Perhaps it’s just the winter blues and once summer comes all will be right with the world again.
But for now the fog has settled in and I don’t know when the sunshine will break through. There has been breaks in the fog during the extra curricular activities, but once I’m left inside my own head again it becomes hard to see.
I also want to thank S.O. for standing by me through these harsh times. I know I can be frustrating to live with and decipher. And I know a lot of decisions are left up to him and it really isn’t fair. It is easy for me to slip deeper and deeper into the fog and I’m sure he’s sick of trying to guide me through it, but he’s doing it anyway and I love him so much for that. I am awaiting the day that he looks at me and says that he’s had enough and that day scares me more than anyone will ever know.
Well I think that’s all I’m able to say for this evening. I do want to thank those who have still been reading and viewing the blog (even though I’m pretty sure the most hits I have received in the past while have been people searching Wayne Gretzky and accidentally stumbling on Wayne’s Rule). I hope to find more time for it and actually move back to the basics of what this blog was originally meant to be. A place for me to vent and advise of the war with myself and to document the downfalls and triumphs that I gain on my way to make myself physically and mentally healthier. Thank you for sticking with me and making me part of your life.
Cheers and Stay Smiling (even through the fog)