Look at me slacking again…
It’s been a tough month.
Tough in a good way.
Between my full-time job, my part-time job, pool league, apartment hunting, and assistant stage managing a play over the past month, it has been busy. I’m out in the world. I’m working. I’m socializing. I love being a part of a play production so it was nice to get back to that, even just for a little while. I feel as though I forget the stress that comes with putting off a play as soon as it’s over. And all I had to do really was make sure the props were in the right spots.
Even though I did all of these things… to find the motivation to do it was tough. Honestly, I do love doing these things. I love being in the theatre. I love hanging out with my friends poking fun and having a beer or two at pool league. Hell, I like to go to work to see the awesome people I work with. But I have had some really low days these past couple of weeks. Days I would wake up, make it downstairs. Break ties with any plans I had for the day and just lie or sit there. Not speak, not move, not even realize that any time really had passed. The only indicator that time had passed would be the shadows of lights that were on the walls.
Then there are days that no matter what I pushed through those feelings. Went to that pool night or rehearsal. However, it was getting to a point where the people around me were asking how tired I was or if I was feeling okay. I would just say I’m tired and just go on. Any invitations to do anything outside the expected protocols I avoided at all costs.
What people who have never experienced depression don’t realize, and something I didn’t really realize until I started speaking to others about depression and anxiety, is how much strength and power it takes to power through even though your body is physically telling you to stop. A dominat part of your brain that has a large impact on your body is telling you that you can’t go ahead and do this. You’re too tired. You’re not strong enough. But you do it anyway.
As I have said before between my dark passenger and the voices in my head there is a lot of voices talking at one time. Over the past month there has been quite the amount of different conversations happening in my mind.
- DumbOptimist: It’s great being involved in all of these things. I am so happy to be getting back to what I love. This is awesome. I am awesome.
- Dark Passenger: You are doing everything wrong. You are such a fuck up! You’re in your late 20s and you still don’t have a fucking clue.
- Gloomy Teenage Girl: BBBBBBLLLAAAHHHHH I want sleep! Why did I have to get up today! UGHHH!!!
- Kid at Heart: I just want to cuddle with my kitty and watch Beauty and the Beast over and over again.
- Nan: Everything Hurts
So… these five people are whining inside of my head all of the time. I just realized that it was the same amount of people in Inside Out. Disney knows it’s stuff.
So yes. I am tired.
I’m tired of the voices in my head arguing. I’m tired from trying to ignore those voices and complete the task in front of me. I’m tired of giving into those voices which leave me frozen. I’m tired from fighting those voices and dominating despite what they say. I’m tired of physically fighting those voices and doing things anyway.
These voices are happening inside my head pretty much all of the time. This doesn’t include the voices of the people around me. Whether it’s in a professional or personal sphere, I find it tiring to keep a smile on my face and keeping that mask on.
Yes, I have been defeated quite a bit these past few weeks. But I will keep fighting. And for now, until I can strengthen my body and soul to fight against those negative thoughts, I will be tired. I may be irritable. But I’m fighting for you. And for me. I’m fighting to be a better person, not only for those around me but for myself.
I’ve chosen to pick my battles. There are some things that I stress over that aren’t worth my time. I am trying to let those go. There are other things that I have to fight for in order to get what I need. I still feel awkward, at times a waste of space. It takes a lot of fight, but as Cornelius Robinson says…
And now, it’s time for me to bid adieu.
Cheers and Stay Smiling!