The Collector

So… back to my roots here now. Sitting in the corner of the Second Cup with not only one but two frappes. As I already posted on IG, the girl that made my frappe made too much; instead of tossing it out though she gave me the rest in a small cup! How awesome is that?


Shout out to the awesome crew at the Avalon Mall Second Cup!

And yes, the laptop I use to type the majority of my blogs is purple! How awesome huh? HAHA.

Well now that I am completely filled with carrot cake and having my fair share of cold caffeine goodness, I am ready to gale you in my most recent escapades. However, that would imply that I have been up to something more than the usual. Which I have not.

Actually the last few days I have been dealing with a significant amount of anxiety. Today I feel okay. I’m here at the mall awaiting the arrival of my significant other so we can do some super exciting shopping. Worked at the mall today for the first time in about a month so that’s always fun.

As I keep saying, the blog is really my way to vent and get what I want out when I cannot express it through speaking. It’s frustrating to be unable to express yourself within the moment. So this anxiety that I have been experiencing has been tied to another unrealistic thought that I have.

You should never ask for help. Asking for help is a sign of weakness!! 

This is a statement that I do not agree with, however it is one that is embedded deep inside of me and is one that keeps rearing it’s ugly head at me. However, I would not have been able to get through the winter season without swallowing my pride and asking for help. When I lost my job last year, right before the holidays, it was hard. I didn’t want to admit it out loud. But with no income, I had no choice.


The experience was tough, but I know that it had to happen to lead me where I am now. I have a job that I don’t necessarily love, but I have some awesome people working around me and I don’t have to fold clothes anymore. A steady, Mon-Fri job, no nights, no weekends (with the exception of the occasional mall shift). It also really opened my mind to the amazing people that I have in my life, as I’ve repeated countless times. My significant other has been amazing and I still question why he sticks around with my fucked-up personality. My family who is here for me no matter what. My pool friends, who drive my ass back and forth to pool, have helped me out with no questions. And I hope they all know that I am here for them in any way that I can be useful. I am more grateful to them then they will ever know.

Don’t leave yourself in debt to anyone. They will use it to take advantage of you. 

This is where the anxiety has surfaced most. Debt, whether monetary or not, can be stressful. Especially when you have people at your back asking when they can collect. That continuous voice that rings “you better pay up… or else!!!!!”


For me, the only time that that anxiety is stopped for me once and for all is when that debt is paid. So… lots and lots of anxiety. HAhahaha (funny not funny laugh).

With that said, there are two (technically three if you consider Benicio Del Toro from Guardians of the Galaxy, which I do!) types of collectors, in my opinion. There are those who do it for a form of income. They work for a company and their job is to call those who owe the business they are affiliated with money. Whether or not they get joy out of these jobs isn’t relevant; they do it for the business.

Then there are those who collect because it gives them a joy to have power over someone else. They use this as a means of “well I did this for you, now you have to do all of these things for me.” In a weak state, you asked for help. These collectors make you wish that you never did. There’s a fine line between “I help you, you help me” and “I helped you that one time now I have to use it to guilt you into doing all the things.” They may not even be conscious of the impact their words are making on those around them. They are just relishing in the fact that they can tease and taunt you about that one time they helped you and toss in your face that you owe them something until you pay it back. Once the debt is paid the taunting may not even stop, however, you may not hear from them quite as much.


As I have said in the past, I hate not having control of myself. However, I have allowed the collectors in my life take the wheel a little too much. I guess the questions I have to ask myself is how do I get that control back? How do I stop these collectors from taking so much of a toll on my mind? How do I become free of the chains that are holding me down?

These are the questions I hope to explore in the coming weeks and I will share the insights that I come up with.

The Golden Rule 


So many religions and cultures share The Golden Rule in some form. When someone asks for help, put yourself in their shoes and think of how you would like to be treated in the same situation. When I ask for help I would rather them say “no I can’t” than “sure”and then treat you like garbage and make you feel guilty for asking .

With these fear, you can only imagine why I hate asking for help. However, the past few months has proven to me that there are much more awesome, selfless people who, once they get to know your character, they are more than happy to help you without expecting anything in return as long as you don’t do anything to tarnish that trust you have built up with them.

Alrighty then. That’s enough from me for one day. This has been built up in my mind over the past week and I had to express it somehow.

So just to recap,

  1. Never feel less than for asking for help. If anyone makes you feel less than when you do that says more about their personality than yours. There are people out there that will bring you down, but the awesome people out there out-weigh the negative people. Please remember that!
  2. To those who help, continue to help others. You are blessings to the people who care about you. Yes, there are those who take advantage of the help, however, again, that shows more about their character than yours.


So time to bid adieu.

Cheers and Stay Smiling



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