I’ve opened my laptop a bunch of times over the past week to start a blog post. But when the time has come, my mind has become blank. I’ve been spending my time watching Netflix or really just doing a whole lot of nothing important.
It is my constant struggle. At times I feel… nothing. No want, no desire, no need. I can sit in silence, with time passing, and it means nothing. No thoughts enter my mind, it’s just blank.
It’s why the job I have now doesn’t phase me. There is a lot of idle time between calls and it gives me time to just sit in silence. Time that I don’t do anything. I just sit and stare at a computer screen. Like I’m doing now.
When I do things it is not out of my own desire. It is out of what is expected of me. I could have stayed in bed all day asleep only to get up to use the washroom and then go back to bed and fall back to sleep again. However, I got out of bed. I came down over the stairs because social convention dictates that to stay in bed all day means that I am lazy.
At the same time, just to sit and watch Netflix all day also constitutes being lazy as well huh?
The time passes. My mind is blank. Before I know it a half hour, an hour, a couple of hours, the whole day… is gone.
The only things is, I don’t know how to fix this cycle. And I guess the big question is, do I want to?
It’s really just a vicious circle. I have plans, my mind goes blank, time passes, I realize the time is gone, I feel guilty for letting the time slip away, then my mind goes blank again.
It seems so easy to get up and start doing a task. I know it’s great to get things done. I know that feeling of relief that comes from completing a challenge. It’s better than this guilt that has me frozen.
So why do I stay frozen?
I could say that it’s due to feeling inadequate. That I can never complete it as well as someone else. I may fail. I may not succeed which is better than not starting the task at all. My plans never come to fruition so why would they now?
I know, you never know until you try, Wayne’s Rule and all. I’ve written about trying even when you don’t have the strength. I know that sometimes you have to push yourself to do things. And I just need a push.
A shove, a KICK in the butt to get up and just do things.
But, again, as my mind goes blank, the time passes and before you know it, the darkness has settled in. The silence is comforting. The fact that there are no thoughts, it’s finally… peaceful.
And that’s a feeling I want to hold on to a little while longer.