Yes. I am singing Christina Aguilera’s “Reflection” in my head as I type out the name of tonight’s blog post. I am also feeling a longing to watch Mulan. May have to search for it later…
Well, Happy 1 year anniversary out there for those of you who have been keeping up with the escapades of me, the DumbOptimist. I am thrilled with the response that I have received with this blog and I have strong plans to continue to document my path as I work to strengthen my physical and mental self.
According to the statistics from WordPress, DumbOptimist has received hundreds of views and my words have reached over 15 countries. I even have a couple dozen people following DO and I hope they will continue to follow and enjoy what I have to share.
I took at look at some of my blog posts from when I first began DumbOptimist. I have always tried very hard to be honest with myself when I write. Over the months I have drifted away from what this blog originally began to be about, which was sharing what I was working on to better myself physically and emotionally. It has become more of a focus on my own personal struggles with procrastination, anxiety, and depression. I will still continue to discuss these topics, but I’m truly hoping to get back to basics of what my original intent was with this blog.
With that said, the past year has been filled with a variety of incidents that I have allowed dictate how my life would play out. The year began great. I began going back to the gym, which I did, and still do, enjoy. The Marble Mountain Pride Festival I had the opportunity to be a part of is something I will never forget. I had the opportunity to visit my parents in my hometown. I had been going through therapy which had been giving me insights into my psyche and how exactly I have reached where I am.
However, I can’t really narrow down where the year started to go on a downturn. I would have to say it was this summer when I finally decided to try and change my situation for the better. I found a new job which I thought would help alleviate some of the pressures that I had been feeling at that time. With this change I was expecting to feel lighter somehow, as though some of the problems I was having would be solved because I have finally changed my environment. However, I never felt that weight lift.
It was a struggle trying to feel like this was an environment that I would feel comfortable in. It took the whole couple of months for me to finally reach a point where I felt part of a team again. Where I wasn’t the newbie who was trying to decipher her job description. Where I wasn’t trying to decipher what was expected of me at a certain time of day. I finally began to feel comfortable with the staff, who I haven’t even spoken to since I left I spent more time deciphering my purpose in that job, and am still trying to decipher what exactly was expected of me, that I never did truly become immersed in that position. However, I began to feel comfortable. I even decided I would try to go back to the gym again. Which is why when the time came that I was dismissed, it really wasn’t a deep heartbreak. It was more of a question of my financial situation rather than why it didn’t work out.
The past month has really been hard emotionally. I have never had to been so dependent on others so much in my life and it really has been bringing me down. I’ve also been really questioning my life and exactly where I want this to go. This has been giving me a lot of grief that I have actually, unintentionally, become very closed off. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone and dreading situations where I have to be around others. My partner has even said he doesn’t want to leave me alone because he doesn’t know what I will do to myself.
This, readers, is my relapse.
But this DumbOptimist has just that, dumb optimism. To sum everything up, and to paraphrase Mark Mason, life is a series of problems; it’s just a matter of finding the issues that you want to take the time to solve. So that’s where I’m going to start. Solving the problems that really matter to me and continue from there.
Right now, my main problem I have to solve is that I’m hungry and I need some food! So I’m going to bid you adieu for one evening. Again, thank you all so much for the support over the past year. I hope you continue to enjoy my posts and please don’t hesitate to let me know your thoughts!
Cheers and Stay Smiling Until Next Year!