It’s amazing what has become a part of every day speech. I really wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today until this morning.
I am working part-time at the retail job I’ve had for over 6 years now while I’m finding a full time position. It’s something to get me through. So the weather outside was frightful, and the blankies were so delightful but since I had work and I had to go, it snowed enough to make a mess as it usually does! Hahaha. Did you like that one? 🙂
There was a storm warning in effect for my area for today. However, there was some overestimating the amount of snow that was going to fall. Everyone was hoping for a snow day. It did not happen. So I pulled on my big girl pants and was quickly ready for work.
However, because of the horrible weather it kept people away from the mall. For me, the morning was great. We received stock so I unpacked and organized it so it would be ready to run for the staff later in the day. It was only a short shift, it pretty much took the full time I was there. For the others on the floor, I’m guessing it was a little slower.
While I was cluing up with the stock my assistant manager came out back and just out of the blue says something that, because of my past, really angers me.
“Can I kill myself?”
I’m like “what?”
“Can I kill myself?”
“No. That’s actually not very funny.”
“I don’t care.”
I’m someone who keeps my personal life, well, personal. Besides for this blog, really the only people that I speak to about my past, unless they ask, is my partner and my counselor. So this young girl has no idea that my grandfather plus a family friend committed suicide. I have a friend that has scars on their arms from cutting.
I sometimes say when I’m tired or in pain, “Take me now God!” Which I think is actually a line from a movie… (I have no original thoughts. It could actually be from The Simpsons) Or sometimes I have my fingers in a gun like position and put it to my temple. So perhaps I’m no better.
When I hear someone “joking” about suicide it just really brings back memories of my grandfather. I can’t speak of one without thinking about the other. It breaks my heart that when I think of my grandfather this is the thought that corresponds with his memory.
It just goes back to how casually phrases have slipped into our every day speech without even a thought of what exactly you’re saying. I wrote an article back in April about casual sexism in every day speech which I see correlates with what I’m writing about today. People say phrases that are so ingrained into our speech that we don’t even give it a second thought.
When my A.M said this to me I just clenched my teeth and continued to do my work. I feel as though she was in a bad mood all round just from the vibes I was getting from her today. I know we were all hoping for a snow day, but that didn’t happen and there is work to be done.
If anything comes from this entry today, it’s just think before you speak. Just for a quick second. This is something I definitely have to work on. You never know who is around you and you never know what emotions you will invoke.
Well, that’s enough for me for one day. I guess it’s time to bid you adieu.
Cheers and Stay Smiling!