I’m reliving my childhood this week. I decided to re-start the Harry Potter movie franchise. I’m on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets now. 🙂 Which is on in the background as I work on this blog entry. It’s helping me get excited for the new Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them movie that is coming out this month!
I have a couple of blog ideas that I would like to discuss over the next month so please stay tuned for that.
I was chatting to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago. We were discussing how we came to the point in our lives where we finally said that we were done suffering with our illness and it was time to seek help.
For me, the moment when I finally admitted that I truly needed help, was one night I was having a really hard time getting to sleep. A lot of different things were on my mind, but mostly that I was feeling worthless. My partner asked me what was wrong to which I replied nothing (as I typically do). At times, my feelings and emotions are hard to put into words, and this was no exception. He kept saying things like, “I can tell by the sound of your voice””… the look on your face … that something is wrong.”
It was this frustration. This inability to voice how I was feeling or why I was feeling that made me snap. There were times I would make up things that sounded close to the truth just so he could feel as though I was voicing something. The things I was saying were generally absurd and had no bearings on fact whatsoever. To this he would reply, “you shouldn’t feel this way,” or “there is no reason for you to feel this way.”
This is when I actually looked at him and said, I need help. I need someone who can be a soundboard that doesn’t have any personal stake in how I feel. Someone who could help challenge what I was saying in a intellectual way rather than an emotional one. Someone who could listen with no ties to what I was saying and approach it in another light.
The next day I picked up the phone and gave my doctor’s office a call to set up an appointment. The rest… well you already know.
A year and a half later, I’m still a fucked up mess! However, one big thing that keeps me frozen is fear. Fear of disappointment, whether that is disappointing the people around me or disappointing myself. Fear of failure; I believe that if I attempt to try something new and fail, I would be in a much worse state, which leads back into the fear of disappointment. This is something that I know in my heart is something that I have to combat before I can move forward.
It is hard keeping up those walls. It’s tiring; the foundation is wobbly and is very unsteady. The walls quickly turn into bars, when you lock yourself away in solitary confinement. It’s lonely, you can go crazy. Your crazy becomes your best friend. It becomes your comfort. But once those walls fall down, you feel naked to the world. At first, because you have been covered for so long, it feels unnatural. It feels cold, scary, unfamiliar. But once you embrace what opportunities are in front of you, you really don’t ever want to cover up!
So you’re not at that step to say “I need help.” Whether that is fear, guilt, or you’re just plain stubborn, I’m with you. I always knew I had issues, I just guessed that there was nothing that could be done. It was always implied to me at accepting medicinal help for what I’m going through is wrong, or at least admitting defeat. Only people with bad nerves take “nerve pills.” Only people with “real” problems seek therapy.
Right now, despite what your mind or others are telling you, your problems are very real. They have weight. You have feelings. We all have feelings. Accepting help is not admitting defeat. Accepting help means that you’re looking to fight and you are assembling an army to do so! I strongly encourage anyone who is struggling with their self to at least think about their present state. Think of what you have done, your accomplishments. Then think of what you want to do and exactly what will get you there.
We crawl before we walk, we walk before we run. Take small steps to get to where you want to be. I type this out not only for you readers, but also for myself. I am reminding myself of my own accomplishments and what I can do to ensure I get to where I want to be. And stopping this fight is not part of my plan.
“You’ve got to fight for your right to party!” – Beastie Boys
Alrighty, Harry is about to save Ginny! Time to bid you adieu!
Cheers and Stay Smiling!