Okay folks. It’s Tuesday! Blog day! So…
So this particular Tuesday I had the day off. I slept in, caught up on some things on the PVR, had a nap while watching Die Another Day. Just kept numb really. Why numb you may ask?
Right now, there are some personal things in my life that are up in the air, none I will divulge into at this current moment, but none the less, ones that I really would like to sort out. As I have said in my previous entries, I like to have control of the things in my life. When I feel out of control my anxiety goes into overdrive. I worry. The dark passenger whispers all of my insecurities into my ears. Always the worst case scenario.
So I become numb. I go into a trance where I just try to make it through the day without screaming, crying, losing grip all together. The mask grabs onto my face with such a death grip that it is suffocating me. I go into a robot state where I do what I have control over. For example, deleting all of the junk in my e-mail, catching up with the TV shows. Sometimes I even do chores, and we all know how much I usually procrastinate them!
It’s times like these that I feel like a sham writing this blog. With that said, despite how I feel, I want to continue to share my feelings. This is one of the dark days. I am proof that it does get better. It has gotten better. There are always days where I feel weak, worthless, unable to beat the dark passenger. But there are good days, when I’m having a food date with my awesome nephew who still wants to spend time with his auntie. When I get to spend time in the arms of my partner. When I have the day off to spend with my sick kitty. The time I have to write, which is where I find my true joy.
I love writing for you. I love having my words read (not in front of me though, as my partner knows too well). If anything that I am sharing can help someone else fight the dark passenger in their own lives then it’s all worth it.
This is where I bid you adieu.
Cheers and Stay Smiling!