Evening folks! I know I usually blog on Wednesdays. However, as my agenda for this week is very busy, I decided I wanted to get in my weekly blog a day early. It wasn’t the blog entry that I had promised, but something I felt that I wanted to share.
Yesterday afternoon when I checked my phone on my lunch break I found a notification for a voicemail. When I listened to it, it was my mother telling me that my cousin had passed away. He was only a couple of years older than me. About 20 minutes later I found out on social media that another family friend had passed away. A person that my sister had been very good friends with over the years who was taken by cancer. It was a tough blow. I actually haven’t had time to process the news yet.
It is heartbreaking to hear when anyone passes on. It is even more heartbreaking when it was someone who was young and full of life.
I write the next few words from the well deep inside me, the well that no one other than my partner really gets to see. The bottom of the well that is so deep that some may question if there is an end. It is a part of me that I am scared to share. I never want anyone to feel this way, but I have learned that if I feel this way, there is a good chance there is someone else out there who feels the same way.
When I hear that someone has passed away, especially someone I know was young, full of life, had a bright future ahead of them, had something to live for, I question to myself, why them and not me? If there is a God or some higher being, why did they take them and not me? My friends who have passed on around me over the years… many of them were young. Many of them had fantastic opportunities in their futures. They were living their lives to the fullest! They were a comfort to those around them. They were a comfort to me.
This goes back into the mental filter of trying to determine self-worth. A lot of the time I feel worthless. I have heard time and time again that there is no such thing has worthless people. It has been a while since I have actually taken out the worksheets from my coping with depression work group. This same thought pattern came to me when a former colleague of mine I worked with years ago passed away in a motorcycle accident last summer. I had addressed that negative thought with realistic thoughts and broke down why I thought them.
No matter how much I tell myself that circumstances happen; people get sick, people get in accidents, people decide that it’s too much, that there is no determining factor that indicates who lives and who dies. No one is worth more than another. No matter how much I repeat this to myself, I think of these people who gave so much only to have their lives stolen so young. Then I think of my contribution to society and it makes me angry.
When living with depression, it is hard (for me personally) to combat the thought of self-worth. People I have spoken to have suggested that it would be a good idea to make lists of my accomplishments to prove to myself that I am indeed worth something. I’m trying to jump pass that and get to a point where I don’t give a shit about worth. I’m me! With my triumphs and downfalls, I’m here. I’m trying to get to a point where I want to start living for those who can’t anymore.
The realistic side of me continues to battle with this negative, ridiculous side.
All kitty gifs aside, I know my feelings to some degree are absurd. But I have them. Accepting these feelings and deciphering exactly what causes them are more important than trying to hide that they exist.
That’s really my advice for readers who are feeling… well… feeling!! Don’t hide your feelings, don’t bottle them up! Let them free in a healthy way. If you feel as though your intimate circle of friends and family aren’t thinking subjectively, check with your doctor to see if there are any programs that you can take advantage of. You are not alone in your battle. Take out your arsenal and don’t hide behind your shield. Use the knights around you to build you up. There is no reason to fight alone.
There is no real answer to why people leave this earth and leave others behind. It’s a mixture of philosophy and religion to even question why. All we can do is live life on our terms and when that day comes we leave the people behind with good memories, as these people have done for me.
Okay, that’s enough sharing for one evening. I have to go write an article now! Time to bid you adieu.
Cheers and Stay Smiling