Sin Jawns is certainly living up to it’s nickname Fog City today. I’m sitting here in the Avalon Mall food court and some of the buildings from the doors are hidden behind the fog.
Fog is everywhere. From the rain, drizzle, and fog that this city ensues, the Fog Off brand that work is currently carrying, and the foggy feeling inside my own head, fog keeps taking over.
My life feels like it is in a hazy fog of sorts. There are definitely rays of sunshine in my life. For example, the time I get to spend with my partner whether that is watching movies (went to see X-Men: Apocalypse last night… 🙂 It was great!), spending time at the park, or just lying down together watching TV, that is my sunshine. Spending time with my nephew also brings me happiness, along with spending time with my bestie and her little girl, which I never have time to do anymore.
When I say foggy, what I mean is that nothing seems clear. My whole perception of who I am is hazy to me. I like to think that I am making progress trying to decipher who I am. What I enjoy, what I don’t. But really, everything changes around me so much that I almost feel like I have become a chameleon; I can blend in with most groups and they are none the wiser of what is happening inside my head. This camouflage becomes much easier when no one around me even cares about what is happening inside of my mind.
I just want to prove myself. I relish in overcoming obstacles and in my achievements. I have worked hard to be where I am, emotionally and professionally. That’s why I love to share my story and what I have accomplished. I just want to prove to myself that I belong here. I’m not a waste of space, lost in the fog with no sense of direction. That is what I spend every part of the day fighting for. To prove to that pessimistic bitch inside of my head that I am meant to be here. That voice inside of my head is sometimes so loud, telling me that I will never amount to anything. That this in front of me is all I will ever have.
There are situations that reinforce that pessimistic thought. These situations feed that feeling that I’m not good enough, that I should not be wasting anyone else’s time by not being here at all. That voice is always muttering in the back of my head. “Why should you bother? No one wants you here anyway.” However, this line takes everything that I have accomplished and makes it meaningless in that moment. That one thought can cancel out everything.
It takes a lot to build up that confidence to fight that thought. Those two lines take so much listing of achievements proving that I am here for a reason. I matter. I keep repeating that to myself.
And that is what I would tell you to know. You are not meaningless. The only thing that can measure your worth is you. Trust me, it is hard to believe when you have spent so long thinking this way. No matter how much I try, this mindset keeps fighting me. I fight back. It’s exhausting. Some days I beat it, some days it beats me. I just know that the fight is worth it.