So folks. We have reached another evening. It has been a couple of days since my last entry that wasn’t boasting about The Seeds 4 Life. I just have been finding that blog very uplifting and I hope that you, the readers, are enjoying them too. Again, the website for them is http://www.theseeds4life.com. They have been a great source of inspiration for me and I wanted to share. 🙂
I last left you with the news that my grandmother had passed away last weekend. It was a surprise to say the least. She is a woman that I will miss dearly and is never too far away in my thoughts. I’ve basically been spending my free time the last couple of days just metaphorically scratching movies off my bucket list that I hadn’t had the opportunity to see before. Those films have included Maleficent, The Age of Adaline, Magic Mike XXL and most recently Straight Outta Compton. A wide variety of films over the weekend. With the exception of the last one I was trying to keep the film choices lighthearted. I will not comment on the quality of those films (except Straight Outta Compton, it was amazing!) but y’know… they made me laugh.
For those of you who were Team Alcide during the run of True Blood, as I was, this is for you (P.S. I definitely do not have any rights to the content. This is just a YouTube video I thought I would share for the pleasure of those who enjoy the male persuasion or if you want to laugh at how absurd this is!):
The movies may have been horrible; however they did make me smile. Which was the whole point. My love for Sleeping Beauty made me enjoy Maleficent though. And my love for the super beautiful Angelina Jolie, my celebrity lady crush… well… one of the many. 😉 I will be watching a sequel if they make one.
But it was what I needed. Time to myself to veg out, do minimal thinking, watch movies, I even had a nap at one point. It was what I did for me.
It’s strange. I feel as though I haven’t had a true opportunity to grieve. I went to the funeral, saw my grandmother, touched her, watched as my family gathered around her casket when it was getting ready to lower. Watched men twice my age cry. It’s almost as though I feel my brain is in default mode, taking care of whatever else it can, do whatever else it can so I’m not given the opportunity to cry. Yes, I have felt emotions. Yes, I shed a couple of tears. But the last week, the tears have been filling, but they have not spilled. I’ve been smiling through the pain. I’ve been overcompensating by acting extra happy.
It’s my way of coping for right now. My worry is whether or not it’s healthy. I hate putting myself in the position where I become what I call the pop bottle scenario. This Larry David gif below explains what I mean by that:
I just don’t want to blow.
It has been an exhausting few days to say the least. But my partner has been with me keeping me company and when he’s not here he is sending me texts to keep my spirits up. Everyone has been super supportive personally and professionally. And everyone around me keeps telling me that my grandmother isn’t suffering anymore. She is gone home to the savior and is relishing in his presence.
My spiritual side has become fairly nonexistent in the last few years, but I remember when the church was a large part of my life. Sitting with my grandparents in the pew listening to the word of the Lord, watching them hold their hands high worshiping. It’s definitely a memory that has stayed with me through the years. A memory that will forever be with me.
I have a photo of my grandparents when they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, (which also falls on my birthday. I know right?) of them smiling, genuinely smiling. That is the visual I try to keep at the center of my mind when I think about them. Not how they looked after death, but how silly and wonderful they were when they were alive.
I inherited my love of telling stories from my grandfather. I inherited the idea that my story was the right version from my grandmother. Haha. Their stories and love will forever be in my heart and I will share their stories and love to whoever I can. Despite my ongoing feelings with the church, I will share their love of God with whoever will listen.
I question why I share all of this with my readers. Those who look at the main focus of my blog will see that it is meant to be a health and fitness blog, my fight to be healthier and happier inside and out. We all have obstacles and situations that knock us down a few pegs when we are fighting for ourselves. Whether they are internal or external obstacles, the way that you deal with them can go two ways, the healthy way which keeps your mental health in check, or the unhealthy way, which makes you doubt who you are or doubt the world around you.
Am I exactly dealing with this in a healthy manner? Perhaps not. But sharing my story, sharing my experience may help shape someone else who is struggling with the death of a loved one, or the build up of repressing a bad situation. It’s messy when we unscrew that pop bottle without letting the fizz settle. It could result in anger, anxiety, or just uncontrollable sobbing. Release that build up in a healthy way. Confide in a significant other. Meditate. Talk to a counselor or help line if you feel you can’t turn to a friend or loved one. I find that working out helps release a lot of things that build up inside. Even just going for a walk can do wonders. I have numbers to local mental health hotlines in one of my earlier blogs, and if you fall into the youth category Kids Help Phone is always a click away, a group that was helpful to vent to when I was a teenager.
I wish you all luck with any obstacles that are in your path. In the end, this is it. We live, we learn, we leave. It’s up to us how we spend our time on this earth. I have become sick of settling. Never settle and strive for what you know you can achieve.
It’s bedtime and I feel that I have begun the process that I like to call word vomiting. So I must bid you adieu.
Cheers and Stay Smiling!