I know it has been a while since I have blogged. It’s been a busy week which ended with a crazy weekend filled with beer, buddies, and breaking balls at the Dooly’s! Haha. I had a fantastic time this weekend with the Love Taps at 8-Ball Provincials. We made it to the semi-finals only to be taken out by the same team that booted is last year. It just means that in two weeks we have to lay a 9-Ball Beatdown!!! I didn’t play all weekend, but I had some beer and some laughs, and at the end, it’s what we’re there for, to have fun and make friends.
However, this weekend has also been stressful. I received a phone call from my mother telling me that my grandmother passed away. It has been making my heart ache ever since. I have been feeling anxious. I didn’t say anything to my teammates this weekend until we were eliminated at semi’s because I didn’t want to bring anyone down.
However, I am happy that I had pool as a distraction. Once I had a beer in my hand it was easier to get a grip on my nerves and get back into the game. On Sunday even my good friend came to Dooly’s to visit just to make sure that I was doing okay. It was good to confide in her during the weekend. It’s easy to hide when everyone is occupied with other things. No one is being as perceptive when they have their sights on the prize. With that said, it’s nice to have that support there.
Now that this weekend is over, the holiday is over, time to go back to reality tomorrow. I said I would work tomorrow before I leave and head out over the highway and head out to my parents. Again, it will be a distraction. Not the greatest distraction, but one none the less. I just hate that on top of everything I feel sick to my stomach. Worrying about work, worrying about the dependency I have on the transportation out and back, especially with that ferry to worry about. I think I’m so anxious that I actually haven’t cried because I’m worried that I will throw up.
That’s the thing about my depression. When I am in my darkest days, I feel as though I am a strain on society, a leech sucking the precious offerings that I don’t deserve. I hate asking for help because I don’t want to bother anyone with my issues. It made me sick to text my bosses and tell them I won’t be able to work because I have to go home. Firstly, I am leaving them in a lurch. The beauty of my job at the magazine is that I can manage through e-mail. However, the mall jobs are losing me for a couple of days. Secondly, I hate how they are making me feel guilty for taking the time off to go home.
I always play devil’s advocate in my head. I definitely understand that my absence puts them in a hard place, especially with one of the other managers on paternity leave for a couple of weeks. However, making me feel guilty that I want to pay my last respects to my grandmother, that is low. I have to travel pretty much half a day. I don’t drive so I have to depend on someone else to get me there and back. I have to live with their schedule and can’t promise that I will be back at a certain day or time. I’m apologizing for being an inconvenience. That is something that is almost making me want to quit altogether. Be happy it’s only three days!
But the guilt, the anxiety, I can actually feel it bubbling in my throat. It has been a hard weekend to say the least. My brain takes everything and puts it on overdrive. I have to think of every aspect, every corner of a situation and it freezes me from doing anything about them. I’m scared of the consequences.
One thing I did promise my counselor though is that I would start doing things that scare me that I actually want to complete. Perhaps being upfront with my feelings rather than just venting to those that can’t really do anything about the situations is a place to start. It’s time for me to build a backbone and face what scares me. Conquer those fears.
My reason for sharing this tonight? My thoughts are irrational. I feel guilty. It is a belief I am trying to work on. I am not a parasite on society. I am here to learn, love, and grow and make this place better for those who come after me. Yes, it sucks that I’m leaving some people short handed throughout the week. But there is more important things in life than money. My family who is the very reason for my existence is much more important than any job that I hate anyway.
If you ever feel this way, catch this thought and put it in a safe place for later to break down. I know I feel this way because I let others put me in this position. I take pleasure in pleasing others, but that pleasure is beginning to be like a sugar rush, great in the moment but dies quickly.
I love to help others, one of the main reasons that I am sharing my experience as to help others coping with the same feelings I am to conquer their negative thoughts. I am also learning the lesson that people don’t necessarily honor that golden rule that was taught in Sunday School. This is no reason to stop helping others, but if you are expecting something in return, even if that is satisfaction, you will be disappointed.
Just do you! It’s hard when either you’ve been wearing a mask as I have, or have become a doormat, which I can argue I also have. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs. I believe that family is important. You wouldn’t be alive without them. Jobs can come and go. People you thought of as friends who just use you will pass you by. But my family has been here for me through the ups and downs of my life, it’s time to be there for them.
I’m spent! Time to bid adieu! Cheers and Stay Smiling.