This is Your Life, Are you who you want to be?

It has been too long since I have shared with my blog readers. A little over two weeks. April has turned to May. The weather here in Sin Jawns has been inconsistent! Unsure if I should pack away my Boggs and break out some lighter clothes. It still seems up in the air.

In my previous blog entry I had mentioned that I would be discussing finding motivation. Motivation to do the tasks at hand, the mundane, so to speak. It was actually one of the main focuses in my last counselling session. I will continue to say this, saying my thoughts out loud to someone that is thinking objectively is scary. But it is amazing how they interpret it into something that perhaps I didn’t think was a true link to why I don’t feel motivated, but what my counselor mentioned in my last session really hit home and made me think of my lack of motivation in a different light.

I use the Switchfoot song “This Is Your Life” as the title of this entry because one of the topics that came up in our discussion was who am I living this life for? Am I who I want to be? Really,what came out of our conversation, was these mundane tasks that I am not completing, why am I not completing them? Why is it, to me, I feel guilty for not completing them?

It’s hard to admit, but it has been a long time since I have been living for myself. ME! My job(s) mainly have been a method to pay the bills rather than something I truly enjoy. I spend the majority of my day completing tasks for someone else. With three jobs, I have grown accustomed to doing things for others, whether that is actual work for the companies I work for, doing things utterly ridiculous for customers and co-workers. When I come home at the end of the day I really don’t want to complete chores. They feel like just that, chores. I don’t complete them to take pride in a job well done for me. I do them because it’s what I was taught was something I “should” do. I haven’t been feeling up to going to the gym because I “should” lose weight, which is a shame because I actually enjoy working out. It’s fun and it is a great stress reliever. I actually don’t even mind cleaning, but it has gotten to a point where if it’s not perfect, why do it?

I have expectations set for myself that seem very unattainable. I grew up in a house that my mother kept ship-shape all the time. She took it upon herself to keep things clean. Her house to this day is pretty well spotless. With my work schedule it is tough to find time to have a social schedule, that alone find time to balance chores. I hear that voice in my head screaming SHOULD all the time. I should do it because that’s what I was taught. It should be perfect because that is what I was raised around and it is expected of me.

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The true way to gain motivation is to actually start doing things for yourself. Do it because you want to seek pride for your own work. Do it because, despite everything, you want to please yourself! I want clean clothes, so I wash them. I want clean dishes, so I wash them. I want to continue to seek for other employment that will make me happy, but for right now, while at work, I am trying to do the best at what I do even just to make the day go faster.

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In the meantime, I am trying to work on doing something once a day that is for me. I am also trying to do something once a week that I have been putting off, whether that is because I have been scared to do it before or something has been holding me back.

For example, last weekend I actually asked one of the girls from work to get together and go to a burlesque show. It was the first one I attended since 2012. It was so much fun. I am never one to instigate an outing, or even to go out. I typically spend my Saturday nights playing Candy Crush or working. Generally working. I even made a new friend through the experience and it brought me and my co-worker closer together, who unfortunately is leaving the company and moving on to another employment opportunity. So we’re going to try to keep in touch and actually get together and do things!

I’m not saying to stop doing things for others. Acts of kindness are definitely important, but just don’t forget that you have to take care of yourself too. I do things for others because I genuinely like to help others and I care deeply. But when you let others walk over you, it is hard to find a good reason to continue to do things for them. There is a fine line between people being grateful for your help and them expecting you to help and becoming angry when you don’t or can’t.

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When I think of who I want to be and what I want to do… I want to learn more and see the world. I want to write more, read more, get outside more. I want to be healthier and feel more energized. I want to spend more time with my partner, friends, and family.

This is my life! I am hoping to work to where I want to be.

That’s enough for tonight. I shall gale you with tales of my progress later!

Cheers and stay smiling!

 

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