I only have a short time to write before I have to repair the cracks in the Mask. It’s what I refer to as my persona that keeps up this charade I call my life. The smiling, fake personality that wants to make the people around her happy. The truth is, I just want to wipe my hands clean of what is around me. It’s easier for me to deal with situations that I am in control of, where I make the decisions. This is where I am trying to improve on. I want to take the reins of my life back. Circumstances have been running my life and at times that is where, I think, a lot of my negative emotions flare up.
The Mask is my excuse to let the circumstances win. If people around me believe the Mask then no one knows that I have lost control. When under that mask is a trembling, nauseous, wreck who is just praying not to throw up.
It’s getting to the point where I just want to be able to come to work and know that I can keep my emotions and anxiety symptoms at bay. Right now the Mask has become a default function and it takes a lot of energy and strength to run that program.
My goal is to take the driver’s seat of my life back. The Mask can only go so long without buffering and having to be reset.
Well soon back to the ol grindstone. Time to bid adieu. Cheers.