Two blogs in the same day? Look at this superstar! HAHA!
I feel like I want to share the day I had with my readers. It was a normal day. I woke up, got ready for work. I typed up a blog on my phone on my bus ride to work, which I know ends quite abruptly due to the bus ride being over and all, and had a fairly normal day at work. Which is why I couldn’t understand how the whole time I kept shaking and trying not to throw up. It seems like my body is getting to the point that it is associating that workplace with anxiety. This is not good. Because of how I have realized how dependent I am on my medication last week, I guess it is on some level scaring me that I can lose control and get to that point again.
Or perhaps I am actually coming down with something and I am actually physically sick. There is a bug going around work and perhaps I have picked it up. My brain is so warped I have no idea which of these scenarios are true.
At least I made it through the whole shift. I’ve been home for a few hours now and I still feeling really nauseous. I had some food which seems to be sitting fine, but this feeling just won’t go away.
I actually searched up a meditation video for beginners on YouTube to help me relax. It seemed helpful to help calm me down enough to type this. However now being so honest through this blog is causing some of the anxiety to come back! I know it shouldn’t, but it does. The link to the video is down below if you want to check it out:
I want to share with people how I’m feeling and coping, no matter how badly, with my inner demons. Let’s be honest, currently the exercising and dieting isn’t going as well as I would have hoped by this point. I have to be more stern with myself and fight the voices in my head telling me that this is pointless. It is time for me to start remembering the good that I have accomplished and remind myself that all of this is to work towards a physically and mentally healthier me. I have finally made another appointment to see another counselor next month to discuss what is happening in my life. Next week has lots of open opportunities to head to the gym, specifically for the BodyCombat class I enjoy so much.
I need to air out some of the things in my life that has become dingy. I really have to sit down and cut ties with things that perhaps I shouldn’t be holding on to as tightly as I am. I am just so happy I have an amazing support system in my partner. I’m sure it isn’t easy dealing with a complete web of shit like me as a girlfriend. My emotions can change on a whim and he has to adapt to them. I just find it easier to write my feelings rather than say them out loud (there’s that introvert word again ;)) and I can only imagine how frustrating it is to hear “I don’t know” over and over again. I just wish I knew the words to tell him.
At the end of the day, I really have no idea why I feel the way I do. Why I’m sad a good chunk of the time. Why the grocery store gives me anxiety. Why I can sit and stare off into space and really not give a damn. I don’t know.
Right now I am looking to every option that I have. Meds, confiding, meditation, exercise, vitamins… I’m trying it. I will share how exactly it helps or doesn’t help and keep ya’ll in the loop.
As for that DumbOptimist, oh she’s still here. She’s in the back of my head cheering for me saying that I can do this. I can fight and beat this! I think I need to let her out more.
Thanks for reading but it’s time to watch more of The Mindy Project and call this a night.