Finding The Words

It has been a hard week. So hard in fact, it was hard to find the words to actually type up a blog. I wanted to so much, as this is a large outlet for me. Either the concentration wasn’t there or I just had no idea how to convey what I was even thinking. I still don’t really.

The beginning of the week was going fine. I actually made it out to BodyCombat on Tuesday night! It was exhausting. Within ten minutes I had a stitch in my side and a cramp in my ankle. But I stayed until the end of the class!! It was nice to get back into it considering the only exercise I had received the week before was trying to stay up on a snowboard (which is DAMN HARD FOLKS!!). I even had the chance to have some evening time to myself afterwards.

Wednesday morning was going well. I was going along with a normal day at work. I went on lunch and had one of those super exciting Low Cal Michelina’s meals (sarcasm for those who did not catch it). But once I was back on the floor after lunch I felt lightheaded, dizzy, almost as though I had left my body and I was just watching myself work. I could hardly stay standing up or I thought I was going tho throw up. And that’s when the anxiety kicked into overdrive. I had ran out of medication earlier on that week and I’m fairly certain that these feelings were the side effects of withdrawal. I had to leave work early and the next day I tried to go back in but I had to turn around and come right back home again.

Gosh, even writing this is giving me anxiety right now. I’m usually not so open when it comes to my issues with anxiety, especially at the workplace. I have been doing so well with keeping the mask on and hiding it that now that I have started to deal with it rather than cover it up, it’s hard to hide now. But as I said, this blog is to show readers that if they also feel this way, they are not alone. I hate to say it, but the only thing that gave me any relief was popping an Ativan. It seemed to kick in fairly quickly and calmed down the physiological symptoms I was experiencing. I only use them as a LAST resort, for example, I refilled this prescription in October and I have only taken 2. It was something to hold me over until I got my medication refilled anyway.

The hard part is trying to justify this at the workplace. People kept asking me what was wrong. Because of the stigma, many have the belief that anxiety is just an excuse not to work. Or it’s silly to let anxiety take over. Trust me, it’s something that I battle to not take me over. I try. I at least got the bus to work and walked in. I didn’t just cower and call in sick. The physiological symptoms are sometimes too great. No matter how much I try to tell myself it’s all in my head, it doesn’t change anything. Once those chest pains and dizzy spells start, it’s hard to shut them down. If there is one thing that I want readers to get from this, it’s that anxiety symptoms, once they start, become physiological illness that is in the same vein as a stomach flu or cold. At least they are not contagious! Haha.

Between the diet and lack of medication, there is also the fact that today is 11 years since my grandfather committed suicide. It’s a thought that is always near my heart and I think of him daily. His memory is a large part of the strength and desire to change my lifestyle both physically and mentally. He was an amazing man, always made me smile and feel special. He suffered with his depression in silence for years. He was a religious man who has had God speak through him through his good deeds. He is my reminder that though faith is a great, there are other supports that you need. You have to be open with your family and friends and use them as a support system. You have to use all the opportunities that are at your disposal. This is why talking to your doctor and getting the help you need to see the lights, even if it’s just little glitters of light for now, to make this worthwhile.

So now I have to clue up! What I have been waiting a full week for has finally arrived! DEADPOOL! YYYYAAAASSSS!!! Gotta go get ready!

 

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Cheers

 

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