I am taking baby steps on the journey to live a healthier lifestyle both physically and mentally. I definitely need to keep track of what is going inside my body. One way to interpret that is keeping an eye on the food intake that I am ingesting. However, I have learned that something I have to also work on is the negative thoughts I ingest as well. Either externally or internally, negative thought patterns are something I really struggle with. Exercising my mind with positive, realistic thinking patterns, to me, is harder than any physical exercise. With physical exercise I feel the burn, which I have eluded to in past entries. I use muscles that I forget that I even have.
One can argue that this is the same with working those “mental muscles”. However, there isn’t a stimulus that I feel when I use realistic thinking. If anything, these thoughts seem foreign to me and I find them hard to even think as realistic. I can say a thousand times that I am awesome or I matter. I use them as main affirmations in my personal writing. I take a pen and write this over and over sometimes. However, it still feels very strange, as if it will never become a part of my muscle memory. At the end of the day, it is still very hard to believe it.
I matter. I MATTER!! The idea that I matter, scares me. The idea that what I do can influence a life of any magnitude is crazy to me. I am just a tiny blip in this universe. How exactly do I matter?? Do I? Yes? No?
At times I have decided to cast away any ideas that life should not be based around whether or not there is value in a life. We’re here, we learn, we experience, we grow, we pass on our knowledge and then we go to the next adventure beyond death. There are times that I really want to believe this. I think that my Christian upbringing almost ruined me for any type of peace to believe this mindset. Now there is so much pressure from the media, friends, and family to be healthy and active that it really is a damper on that belief.
I really do not give a shit what others think of how I look. I am a big girl and I love food. I also some day would like to be able to travel and see the world. I want to be able to go into a store and be able to actually try some clothes on without having the fear that I will bust through the seam or break a zipper. I want to live to see what great discoveries will be made in the future. I do not want to suffer with diabetes or heart disease because of horrible food choices I made in my 20’s. I want to enjoy what the world has to offer, not have a mediocre life based around a pill bottle.
This is why I am trying to live healthier. I want to live as pain free as I can. I want to enjoy what life has to offer. I hope that the physical health will help my mentality change for the better. Despite what has been philosophized, there is a positive correlation between the mind and the body.
I leave with this…
As I go forward, I am trying to stick with the mindset that I matter. I do matter. My feelings matter. No one shall have the power to make me feel any less than I am. (I do that enough on my own. I do not need help). Those in my life that lift my spirits I want to keep close, those who do not, well, I may not have them in my life much longer.
Time to call this one a night. Tomorrow… hopefully I will attend another bodycombat class so I can gale you in my whining about the agony my physical muscles will endure.